Plane conversation

Fat man in Armani suit, blubber spilling over the armrests : “Ah! Kigoma! Finally we are going back!”
Stewardess says nothing, fastens her seatbelt after giving the security demo.
Fat man: “You don’t like Kigoma?”
Stewardess : “Mmm”
Fat man: “So you don’t like Kigoma – where are you from?”
Stewardess:” Arusha.”
Fat man: “Arusha! All of you people you like Arusha. Tell me, what does Arusha have that Kigoma doesn’t have? “


The Precision Air flight to Kigoma was packed and I got the back-to-front seat next to the stewardess. She was pretty and the men sitting opposite her were watumbos – rich men who show their wealth by the size of their bellies (literally ‘bellied people’). One of them fixed his eyes into a lover’s proprietary gaze on her which would last for the duration of the trip. In other words, I had a front-row seat for some full-on flirtatious (or sexually harassing?) banter. This guy was ready to show his rhetorical muscles. Everyone prefers Arusha to Kigoma. Arusha is where the big bucks come in, where all the good schools are, Arusha is just like Europe, Tanzanians have told me in other parts of the country. Kigoma is Siberia for civil servants – the posting nobody wants. To argue for Kigoma over Arusha is to take on a devil’s advocate’s role so ludicrous it displays not only eloquence but humour. Tanzanian flirtatious banter at its best.


Stewardess: “Arusha has better climate. The soil is more fertile. You can grow many things.“
Fat man, poker-faced : “Oh. I see. Are you a farmer?”
Stewardess smiles – gives him the point. Hearty laughter all the way back to row 3.
Stewardess: “But for tourism. Not just farming. Also for tourism Arusha is good. What is there in Kigoma? Nothing!”
Fat man: “Tourism! Yes, the tourists from these cold countries, they like Arusha! But where do the rich tourists come from now int eh future ? From hot countries! From Qatar! The rich tourists now from the Middle East! Will they like this cold Arusha climate? They will freeze! “
Guffaws even from row 4 now. The guy himself is from Moshi, just near Arusha, and even I can’t help laughing.
Fat man to me: “And you? You think Arusha is better?”
Me: “Well, I was in Arusha and I left to go to Kigoma.”
More laughter: the plot thickens! Fat man’s neighbour’s laughter is incredulous! The way this conversation is going! So far he’s been delighted by Fat man’s sheer genius in finding arguments for the inarguable: Kigoma over Arusha! And now an mzungu leaving Arusha to go to Kigoma! What a tickle!
Stewardess: “Then you also have something to add!”
Me (passing the baton to the star, unsure I can rise to the occasion) to fat man: “So why do you think life is better in Kigoma?”
Fat Man:” Everything is cheap! And you can do business! In Kigoma, you have everything. You have the lake, you have the borders….”
Me:”… you have the immigration officials…”
I did it. Shrieks of laughter.
And so it went on. How we had fun on the way from Dar to Kigoma. The passengers in the front half of the plane were thrilled, delighted, tickled to death by these straight-out ludicrous arguments being made with such dexterity, their laughter like the applause for a gymnast or magician who does the undo-able. Kigoma over Arusha! Hah!

Imagine if I’d told the watumbo the truth. That honestly, seriously, I’d take Kigoma over Arusha any day.